Often, it’s not clear what it really means when someone says, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.” And any deeper meaning behind that statement is hardly as important as its upshot-no relationship will be had. “Readiness” is a well-worn T-shirt people put on and take off over and over again throughout their dating life, an all-purpose explanation for any number of reasons someone might or might not want a romantic partner. The idea of being “ready” for a relationship is both ubiquitous and vague. It was another six months before I went on my first date.” But there was a whole lot going on in my brain that I may not have been consciously aware of. “The story I told myself was: I’ve been divorced for six months it’s time to get back out there. What happened, she thinks now, is that even if she was telling herself she was ready for a new relationship, she really wasn’t. I just sat there looking at my computer thinking, What just happened here?” “Someone said something like, ‘Hey, you’re into crosswords, I’m into crosswords too maybe we could get together and do the crossword some morning.’ And I was clawing at the keyboard in a panic to make this go away. “But partway through the process, my gut just said no, and I panicked and canceled my account in a huff,” says Carter, now 49. “And the dating scene is a little different now.” So she did what many people these days do-she made an online-dating profile on OkCupid. “So I’m newly divorced at 41, and I haven’t been on a date with someone new since I was 20, maybe,” she says. She had married her high-school prom date a year after graduating from college, and they were together for 19 years before splitting up. Six months after her divorce, Jo Carter, a project manager at a university in Madison, Wisconsin, thought she was ready to date.
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